The Big Question

When we have been deeply hurt by the actions of others the last thing on our minds is forgiveness. 'Why should I forgive him?" we mutter darkly. This is a good question but a difficult one to answer. Of course, if we are really honest with ourselves we will admit that we do not want an answer. Retaliation is much more to the point, isn't it? Even the Bible says, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" and, whilst we might not take this too literally, we still plot ways of 'paying back', don't we? Familiar phrases spring to mind; "She'll be sorry, wait and see"; '"He won't get away with it, I'll see to that" and "I'll never speak to her again"!

Disappointed Hopes

My best friend and I promised that when we got married each would be the other's bridesmaid, but when the time came she chose someone else. I was wounded. She didn't even tell me and when my invitation arrived I threw it to the floor saying that nothing would make me go to her wedding. I stamped around all that week in a rage and plotted all sorts of nasty things, from writing a rude letter to not buying a gift; anything to get back at her. I made myself thoroughly miserable with fits of anger and indignation, the outer veneer of hurt and self-pity.

I discovered painfully that when we withhold forgiveness and seek revenge, all we do is cause ourselves more hurt in the process. Had I let unforgiveness govern my actions, as planned on that occasion, I would have missed seeing my friend being married and the chances of our friendship surviving would have been very slim indeed. We are still friends today.

There are worse hurts in life than this of course but, whatever the circumstance, the consequence of unforgiveness is always the same; bitterness and self erosion. If we allow ourselves to become soured by bad experiences, then sourness is given free licence to eat away at our minds until we find ourselves turning into bitter old men and women with nothing good to say about anything or anyone. If we shudder at the thought of this happening to us then somehow we must cultivate the spirit of forgiveness.

The Cost of Forgiveness

It may be helpful to remember that only those whose friendship we really value have the power to hurt us: the wounds of an acquaintance are of little consequence. If our friendship is worth holding on to, and I suspect this could be one reason for reading this booklet, then we should at least consider the possibility of forgiving. Of course no one can force us to forgive. Forgiveness is something which comes from somewhere deep within us, the hidden place where heart and head enter into private conversations to make the important decisions in our lives. It is a costly thing to forgive, for it inevitably means reaching out to those who have hurt us and that is never easy when our feelings have been trampled on.

THE POWER OF LOVE

So where is the starting point for us as we grapple with this problem? In my experience, only the power of love can help. Would God be able to forgive us for the hurtful things we do if He did not continually reach out to us in unconditional love? "God demonstrates his love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). We see that God's forgiveness is borne out of love that recognises a need to forgive. LOVE IS ... If we are serious about wanting to forgive, we can do no better than to study the ingredients of love in that wonderful descriptive chapter in the Bible, namely, I Corinthians 13. Firstly, we see that love is incredibly strong; in fact it never fails. Then we learn that, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes; always perseveres. This is no sentimental love: it is a love so strong that it is able to snap the chains of unforgiveness, breaking the endless circle of spiteful tit for tat. This is the love with which Jesus forgave Peter after he denied knowing him three times (Luke 22.54). So complete was this forgiveness that later the Lord placed him in a position of trust when He said, "Feed my sheep" (John 21:15) It is also the love which forgave Paul who, until he came to know Jesus personally, had actively taken part in plotting the murder of those who did believe in Him. Clearly this love kept no record of wrongs. The most remarkable act of forgiveness was when Jesus forgave those who nailed Him to the cross for they were carrying out the wishes of all humankind in putting Him to death. He said, 'Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke.Z3..34). We might be tempted to think that it was easy for Jesus to forgive since He was the divine Son of God with supernatural powers. When we take a closer look, however, we will remember that God sent His Son in human flesh just like us, and with a will of His own at that. The only difference lies in the fact that Jesus chose to follow God's will rather than His own. This explains how He could do such marvellous things like healing the sick, restoring sight, raising the dead and forgiving sins. He allowed His Father's will to be done in His life and was the living proof that God is Love. Jesus, in human form, must have found it every bit as difficult as we to forgive yet He freely chose God's way and was able to do it in God's strength. Surely here we have the key to the problem of forgiveness: God's unfailing love to us, and through us. As we go on to consider the qualities of love as outlined in Paul's letter to the Corinthians, hopefully we will be encouraged to take up that key and begin to unlock the mystery of how to cope with forgiveness.

 WHAT IS LOVE? 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13 "LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND" We all have come across people who like to speak their minds, and whether they happen to hurt others or not makes little or no difference to them, their slogan being, 'honesty is the best policy'. This often means that whatever tact they may possess is thinly veiled and we should count ourselves lucky if we manage to escape their honest opinions. Their irritating comments can wear us down. "Yes, it's nice, but you suit blue so much better”; “I liked your hair the way you used to do it”; or perhaps, “I never wear cardigans" (suggesting that those who wear them are in some way eccentric.) Worse still are attacks on our choice of friends: "I don't know what you see in him" or, "She wouldn't be my choice; you deserve better than that"! If sustained, these personal comments can become very hurtful and, whilst we manage to cope as best we can without being too openly retaliating, our injured feelings may build up into an explosive reaction. The alternative is to forgive as we go along. But how can we be expected to forgive and keep on forgiving? 'Love is patient'. Being patient should not, of course, become confused with being 'soft'; instead it should help us to make allowances for those who are consistently hurtful in their ways. Perhaps they are quite unaware of the effect they have on others and it may even be that they pride themselves on being so perfectly honest. Perhaps our task then is to help them to become more aware and to teach them greater sensitivity. Confronting in a gentle but firm manner might enable them to see how their comments really affect others. If we treat their honesty with our more gentle honesty we might be surprised at the results. Paul urges us to, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you" (Ephesians 432). Yes, the Lord has great patience with us and is always ready to forgive the many things we do which sadden Him. So, with His help, we should try to follow his example when it comes to forgiving others. "LOVE DOES NOT ENVY, IT DOES NOT BOAST,IT IS NOT PROUD" Sometimes we actually invite hurtful comments by our own jealousies. For instance, the friend who excitedly tells us that her son is doing so well at work that he is about to be promoted may genuinely want us to share her joy. However, if our own son happens to be making a complete mess of his life, envy might spur us into some scathing retort. Such a reaction could easily lead our friend to tell us bluntly that our son could have done better had he really tried, and before we know it a feud has begun. Love should not envy, but rather it should be glad for the success of others. We are reminded also to, "Rejoice with those who rejoice and live in harmony with one another" (Romans 12.15,16). By the same token we risk hurting other people by our own boasting and may provoke them to envy. A new car, a better computer, a redesigned kitchen, a bigger house, are all things which we may be tempted to brag about. Our good fortune may be our pride and joy, but if our friends cannot afford such things they might become so smitten with jealousy that they react abusively towards us. Envy and jealousy cannot be taken lightly for they are in the list of things which are most displeasing to God. "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: Sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage; selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you that those who live like this will not inherit the Kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:19-27). We might be surprised to see jealousy and envy appearing alongside these other more obvious 'bad' characteristics of human nature but they are not there by mistake, "For where you have envy and selfish ambition, you find disorder and every evil practice" (James 3:16). But the verses in Galatians go on to show how we might resist jealousies by turning to God, the Holy Spirit; "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control “(Galatians 5.22-23). If we root out jealousy and envy, and begin to cultivate the fruit of the Spirit, then we are well on our way to finding forgiveness in our hearts. "LOVE IS NOT RUDE, IT IS NOT SELF-SEEKING Familiarity breeds contempt; so says the adage, and I would suspect that few divorcees would argue this point. Yet knowing another person intimately really ought to be regarded as a special privilege: sharing thoughts and feelings, laughing at the same sorts of things; offering advice and comfort when needed, in short, enjoying rich companionship and love. Of course close living has its price, for it means having to consider another's wants and needs. It may mean having to put up with irritating ways, as things which were barely noticeable before living together become sources of annoyance, leading to discontent at best and violence at worst. Jim and Ann decided to move in together after knowing each other for only a short time. Like many young people, they succumbed to fashion and their own inability to wait. At first they were blissfully happy and having proved that they could live peacefully with each other they decided to get married. After a while, however, their friends and families began to notice snide remarks and hurtful comments passing between them. Ann was always putting Jim down by highlighting his weak points, whilst Jim responded either by doing the same or bluntly telling her to shut up. At home it was even worse for there they had no reserve, and slanging matches became a regular feature of their communication. Hurt was promptly repaid with hurt until they had little or no respect left for each other. Determined to have their own way without compromise the inevitable happened; they separated and started divorce proceedings. The story is a familiar one where gradually rudeness and disrespect replace love and care, resulting parting of the ways. Had Jim and Ann been able to talk and pray about their differences perhaps their marriage could have been saved. In seeking God's help they may have become less self-seeking and more inclined to give and forgive in their relationship. At the point of divorce a 'cease-fire' is reached; however, the bitterness which usually attends such break-ups often lingers on long after the relationship is formally ended. Hostility may be in abeyance but sometimes its roots remain. Is there a way forward? Yes, there is, for there is always room for forgiveness, the kind of forgiveness that can only be released within that private place of head and heart. Once forgiveness is given, it becomes possible to move forward in life again without the ball and chain of bitterness dragging behind. But how can we forgive someone who has made life intolerable? It doesn't seem fair to forgive; it's much too difficult. Well, perhaps we could make a start by consciously trying to wish our ex-partner well in his or life. It will not be easy, but at least the past is behind hopefully we will not have to face him or her again. When the cause of our unhappiness moves out of lives we may not find it so difficult to bestow our good wishes. The alternative is to hold on to grudges, but is almost as bad as cursing the person with whom shared part of our lives. If we foolishly choose this way then we may find to our distress that the unforgiving corner of our hearts will begin to affect any wholeness that we still have left. "LOVE IS NOT EASILY ANGERED; IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS" The wording here is important for we are told that love is not easily angered: we are not instructed never to be angry. This fact is comforting because many things have the power to aggravate us to the point of anger. Often our anger is borne out of our love for others; for example, if a son or daughter is heading for disaster in their personal lives we get annoyed because we want the best for them. If we hear the Lord's name being used as a swear word, or people decry Him, we are likely to rise to angry reaction. It seems that when principles are at stake we are at our most vulnerable and angry words may spill out before we know it. The question is: is it permissible to show anger in such circumstances or should we count to ten and keep quiet? Well, let us consider the time when Jesus was angry with the livestock dealers and, money changers who were greedily doing business in the synagogue. He was so enraged at them that He overturned their tables saying, "How dare you turn my Father's house into a market. (John 2.16). In this instance a principle was at stake; the synagogue was being defiled. Although we are not told, we may surmise that His anger was a controlled anger. Instead of stalking off in a rage, He went on to speak about His death and resurrection which was for their sakes; He may have been angry with their behaviour, but His love for them was not diminished in any way. We too must, "not let the sun go down while we are still angry", so as not to give the devil a foothold (I. Ephesians 426). Yes, there are times when it is indeed permissible for us to be angry but we must never lose control over this powerful emotion. But what of other lesser occasions in our lives when anger rises to the surface? Should we be angry in response to others being angry with us? Is it right to flare up in frustration when others do not understand us? What if we are predisposed to quick temper and cannot help it? God's word is clear, we must not become easily angered and surely we know in our heart of hearts when we are justified and when we are not. Anger breeds anger, and so if anger is a particular problem for us it is to our advantage to bring to mind the following verse whenever we are tempted. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15: 1). And, of course, 'Love keeps no record of wrongs'; in other words we are encouraged to 'forgive and forget'. Managing the work of forgiveness is one thing, but to forget the deed and our own self-righteousness about forgiving, well, that's another story. Second to talking about our aches and pains, we love to tell others about how we have been wronged, but God's word is clear; we must keep no record at all. Some people find the 'healing of memories' a difficult concept to grasp, but for others it is a bright reality. Dear sceptic, please believe that it is never beyond the Lord's power to erase unhelpful memories from our minds if we earnestly ask Him. Just as He is willing to forgive our sins and to cast them out of His mind, He asks us to do the same with other people, and He is fully equipped to help us to do just that. Remember, it is unhealthy to hold on to grudges and doing so will destroy our joy and undoubtedly hinder our walk with the Lord. "LOVE DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL BUT REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH' In the corner of an Irish pub three brothers were celebrating: they had just murdered the youngest son of the man who murdered their father. They slapped each other on the back and laughed about their 'success'. Killing the man himself wouldn't have given half the pleasure; they made sure he would suffer the same degree of pain they had suffered. In that war-torn land where good has been suppressed and evil stalks unchecked, forgiveness seems to have been lost somewhere deep in the long years of conflict. This, thankfully, is not the whole story of a divided Ireland, for the love of God is not suppressed in churches along the border where Catholic and Protestant Christians meet to pray together, praising God that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. They commit themselves into His Way which is the way of love and forgiveness. They celebrate life, not death; life that has the power to overcome darkness and evil. Here we see people coming together whose fathers and sons, mothers and daughters were killed by those on opposing sides. Here we see the ultimate in human forgiveness. Only those who know the love of God in their own lives have the ability to forgive in this way for, without God's prompting, forgiveness on this scale would be impossible. The natural instinct is to return evil with evil, but those who seek God's presence and ask for His help transcend the Old Testament ways of, 'Eye for eye and tooth for tooth', as they join together in saying the Lord's prayer: Our Father, which art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. (Matthew 6:9-1_3) "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14,15) It is interesting to see that directly after showing the people how to pray, Jesus should then choose to expand on the matter of forgiveness, reminding us that this is the central theme. As God forgives us, we must forgive others. Whether we are caught up in the Irish conflict or we simply live where there is peace, it is good to remember that when we say the Lord's Prayer we commit ourselves to pursuing the way of forgiveness and love. "LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS, ALWAYS TRUSTS" Some time ago, when I was off sick for several months, I was sorely disappointed that one of my colleague-friends had not been in touch to ask how I was. I kept hoping that she would call but as the weeks went by I began to give up hope. Others who knew of our friendship asked if I had heard from her but, not wanting to speak unkindly, I masked my feelings and said that I was sure to hear from her soon. Underneath this mask, however, I was annoyed and hurt. Surely she could have phoned me in spite of the busy life I knew she led. I was missing her, but clearly she was not missing me. I felt really sorry for myself. Bitterness was taking such a hold of me that one evening when another friend phoned I found myself pouring out my feelings to her. She listened sympathetically then simply said, 'Why don't you phone her; tell her you're missing her?' I caught my breath! Until that moment it had not occurred to me that I might phone her. After all, I was the sick one; I was the one needing comfort; I expected her to contact me. Unforgiveness had blinded me to everything except my own hurt feelings. Before I dialed her number I asked the Lord to forgive all my selfishness. When my friend answered the phone she was delighted to hear from me and was so glad that I had been thinking about her - little did she know the form of those thoughts! She apologised over and over about not having been in touch, explaining that her mother had died quite suddenly and she had to see to everything. I could feel my cheeks burning with shame. If only I had kept my original trust in her surely I would have phoned to comfort her instead of selfishly expecting her to comfort me. Mistrust and misunderstandings seem to go hand in hand to blind us to the truth and human nature, being what it is, is quick to jump to the wrong conclusions. Another instance is when we listen to gossip, for gossip takes pleasure in misunderstandings as it centres on the misdeeds of others. Instead of protecting reputations, it actively seeks to destroy them. How easy it is to find ourselves joining in and before we know it we are even withholding forgiveness that doesn't belong to us. Thankfully love does not behave in this way; love always protects, always trusts that things are not as black as they are painted. Love looks for explanation, not condemnation. "LOVE ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES" From earliest years I learned that to persevere meant that I should keep on trying to do my best. You see, my school, motto was, 'Persevere', and so it was something expected of us all. Of course, primarily, we were taught to persevere educationally with a view to some future career; we were rarely taught to persevere in matters of love and forgiveness; these lessons were painfully learned in the playground! Sunday School, however, made such things feel rather more noble in the light of the Bible's teaching about Jesus. We were told that He died for us so that somehow we would be forgiven and therefore we too ought always to be ready to forgive others. Without help, few are able to sustain the kind of love that perseveres in the face of deep hurts. We are more apt to give up when the going is rough. We might manage forgive once or twice, perhaps even three times but rare more than that. Turning the other cheek is just too difficult. "How many times must I forgive my brother," asked Peter, "up to seven times?" and Jesus answered, `Not just seven times, but seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21,22) . Surely not up to 490 times! Of course Jesus did not mean this literally so that when the 491st offence occurred Peter could feel free not to forgive. In fact Jesus was implying much more than that; He meant that we should never withhold forgiveness. Impossible, we say, no one has that kind of love. Humanly speaking this is true for we very quickly lose interest in others unless we receive something good in return. Our human love is fraught with limitations, but God's love is not and if we turn over every situation to Him, He will gladly help us. Whilst His supernatural love may be beyond our understanding, it is not beyond our grasp. If we would be bold enough to grasp it, we must first tune in to His love by coming to the cross of Jesus Christ, for this is where our own forgiveness begins. The basis is this: God is Holy and so He cannot condone our selfish attitudes which show up in many guises: pride, greed, jealousy, unforgiveness, bitterness and so on, for these things hurt him. Since we are unable to rid ourselves of such things by our own efforts, God sent Jesus to bear these sins for us on the cross. As the Bible puts it, "For God took the sinless Christ and poured into Him our sins, then, in exchange, He poured God's goodness into us " (2 Corinthians 5:21). When we come to Christ confessing Him as our Lord and Saviour (from God's wrath), we become free of sin's grip and therefore acceptable to God: in effect Jesus takes the blame. It is then that we can claim the gift of His Holy Spirit to live within us, the Spirit which is the enabling power of God to conquer all things. This same Spirit is well able to give us the inclination and indeed the will to forgive. If any readers are still struggling with the problem of forgiveness please do not give up but rather let God's love enfold you; let it reign in your heart and life to such an extent that all bitterness and unforgiveness are squeezed out. It is only as you allow His love to forgive you, that you will find the power to forgive others, and these words, are given as an encouragement, "Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave, you, so you must forgive others" (Colossians 3:12-14) May the Lord God touch your life with His forgiveness and may He so fill your heart with His unfailing love that you will begin to experience a readiness to forgive those who have hurt you.

Elinor Jones

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