'Coping with Forgiveness' by Elinor Jones

THE BIG QUESTION

When we have been deeply hurt by the actions of others the last thing on our minds is forgiveness. 'Why should I forgive him?" we mutter darkly. This is a good question but a difficult one to answer. Of course, if we are really honest with ourselves we will admit that we do not want an answer. Retaliation is much more to the point, isn't it? Even the Bible says, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" and, whilst we might not take this too literally, we still plot ways of 'paying back', don't we? Familiar phrases spring to mind, "She'll be sorry, wait and see", '"He won't get away with it, I'll see to that" and "I'll never speak to her again"!

My best friend and I promised that when we got married each would be the other's bridesmaid, but when the time came she chose someone else. I was wounded. She didn't even tell me and when my invitation arrived I threw it to the floor saying that nothing would make me go to her wedding. I stamped around all that week in a rage and plotted all sorts of nasty things, from writing a rude letter to not buying a gift; anything to get back at her. I made myself thoroughly miserable with fits of anger and indignation, the outer veneer of hurt and self-pity.

I discovered painfully that when we withhold forgiveness and seek revenge, all we do is cause ourselves more hurt in the process. Had I let unforgiveness govern my actions, as planned on that occasion, I would have missed seeing my friend being married and the chances of our friendship surviving would have been very slim indeed. We are still friends today.

There are worse hurts in life than this of course but, whatever the circumstance, the consequence of unforgiveness is always the same; bitterness and self erosion. if we allow ourselves to become soured by bad experiences, then sourness is given free licence to eat away at our minds until we find ourselves turning into bitter old men and women with nothing good to say about anything or anyone. if we shudder at the thought of this happening to us then somehow we must cultivate the spirit of forgiveness.

It may be helpful to remember that only those whose friendship we really value have the power to hurt us: the wounds of an acquaintance are of little consequence. If our friendship is worth holding on to, and I suspect this could be one reason for reading this booklet, then we should at least consider the possibility of forgiving. Of course no one can force us to forgive. Forgiveness is something which comes from somewhere deep within us, the hidden place where heart and head enter into private conversations to make the important decisions in our lives. It is a costly thing to forgive, for it inevitably means reaching out to those who have hurt us and that is never easy when our feelings have been trampled on.

So where is the starting point for us as we grapple with this problem? In my experience, only the power of love can help. Would God be able to forgive us for the hurtful things we do if He did not continually reach out to us in unconditional love? "God demonstrates his love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). We see that God's forgiveness is borne out of love that recognises a need to forgive.

If we are serious about wanting to forgive, we can do no better than to study the ingredients of love in that wonderful descriptive chapter in the Bible, namely, I Corinthians 13. Firstly, we see that love is incredibly strong; in fact it never fails. Then we learn that,

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast;
it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking;
it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes;
always perseveres.

This is no sentimental love: it is a love so strong that it is able to snap the chains of unforgiveness, breaking the endless circle of spiteful tit for tat.

This is the love with which Jesus forgave Peter after he denied knowing him three times (Luke 22.54). So complete was this forgiveness that later the Lord placed him in a position of trust when He said, "Feed my sheep" (John 21:15) It is also the love which forgave Paul who, until he came to know Jesus personally, had actively taken part in plotting the murder of those who did believe in Him. Clearly this love kept no record of wrongs. The most remarkable act of forgiveness was when Jesus forgave those who nailed Him to the cross for they were carrying out the wishes of all humankind in putting Him to death. He said, 'Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke.Z3..34).

We might be tempted to think that it was easy for Jesus to forgive since He was the divine Son of God with supernatural powers. When we take a closer look, however, we will remember that God sent His Son in human flesh just like us, and with a will of His own at that. The only difference lies in the fact that Jesus chose to follow God's will rather than His own. This explains how He could do such marvellous things like healing the sick, restoring sight, raising the dead and forgiving sins. He allowed His Father's will to be done in His life and was the living proof that God is Love. Jesus, in human form, must have found it every bit as difficult as we to forgive yet He freely chose God's way and was able to do it in God's strength must. Surely here we have the key to the problem of forgiveness: God's unfailing love to us, and through us.

As we go on to consider the qualities of love as outlined in Paul's letter to the Corinthians, hopefully we will be encouraged to take up that key and begin to unlock the mystery of how to cope with forgiveness.